Judgment day is coming

Saturday (7/30) was my restaging PET/CT. Tomorrow – Monday – morning, I’ll be meeting with my oncologist to go over the scan and action plans going forward.

My body feels fine and I generally have a lot more energy than a year ago when I was trying to get back into working after the first 6 cycles of chemo. But I can’t shake the bad feeling. It doesn’t really help that my last scan a few months ago showed ‘stable’ cancer, which means that the cancer didn’t grow but it didn’t shrink either.

Even though I am nervous about not getting a clean scan back, I’ve been so awful to my body lately. or maybe that is why I am feeling nervous.
Friday, after work, I went to happy hour where I devoured greasy cheesy plate full of steak nacho and washed it down with margaritas. Then I stayed out till about 1am. Then Saturday, I had fast food for lunch then Korean bbq for dinner at 11pm. Today, to top it all, I stole a bunch of A’s fries, ate instant ramen noodle and three scoops of gelato. Oh and no exercise whatsoever. What was I thinking?!?!

Worrying isn’t going to do anything but as I lay in bed, 9.5 hrs before I get the final verdict, I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight…

Oh and another note, 2 hrs ago (Sunday night at 9pm), one of the attorneys at my firm sent a group text highlighting the change of law that can help a large portion of the firm’s clients. Then two other attorneys immediately responded and said that they were aware of the rule change and that they will be circulating a memo tomorrow. It’s cool that they feel so passionate about the issue and their jobs but it made me terrible! They say stress is the worst thing for cancer patients and with zealous coworkers like the ones I have, how could I relax on the weekend? Is not thinking about work even an option for lawyers? My friend J once told me that there are two types of lawyers – the miserable ones, and the VERY miserable ones. As I laughed at her joke, I couldn’t help but feel concerned about the impact my work will have on my physical and emotional well-being. I would love to know how many young attorneys are battling cancer (or have survived cancer) and how they handle work-related stress.

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