Another disappointment

On Monday, I got a call back from my oncologist regarding the PET/CT result. As you can tell from the title of this post, the results were not as I had hoped.

Before the 6 rounds of Taxol/Carbo regimen that ended about a month ago, December 2015 PET/CT showed activities in 2 para-aortic lymph nodes with SUV max of 3.1-3.6. Even though May 2015 CT scan showed that the two problematic lymph nodes didn’t decrease in size, I was really hoping that last week’s PET/CT would show that things are AT LEAST stable.

But turns out, that’s not in the plans for me yet. The radiologist’s report shows that the two lymph nodes are still similar in size but for one of them, the SUV uptake went from 3.6 to 8.2.

If you’re unfamiliar with what the SUV is, simple explanation is this: For PET/CT, a patient is injected with radioactive sugar. This sugar will make the cancerous parts ‘glow.’ The SUV (standardized uptake value) essentially measures how ‘brightly’ the cancer ‘glows.’ Typically anything above 2.5 is worrisome.

So yeah, 3.6 was no good news but an increase to 8.2 is really bad…

I was at work when my oncologist called me with the result. I felt mostly fine when I took the call because it wasn’t a total surprise after the May scan. So I finished up work, called my parents and drove home.

As soon as I got home, changed into my comfy clothes and sat on the bed, though, I bursted into tears to my own surprise. No matter how brave I act in front of my parents and doctor, I am terrified of this cancer. I abhor what it has done to my family, my career, my body, my future, my boyfriend, my everything. I hate that whenever I see a glimpse of hope, the evil cancer swoops in and pulls the rug from under my feet. This is the fourth time that I’m being knocked down and I am so sick of how cancer has been dictating my life for the past two years. TWO YEARS!

On tuesday and wednesday following the result, I would be at the court (remember? I still have to play lawyer) waiting for my client to be called, and be on the verge of breaking into tears. And the feeling would come and go throughout the day. I also felt really sad brushing my wig after work because I was getting ready to chuck this thing for eternity once my hair grew back. Now it looks like I won’t have hair for another…i don’t know…4 months at the shortest.

I don’t even know when and what to tell my new work. I finally love my job and cancer might jeopardize it.

Bottom line is that I’m pissed. and scared. and sad. But this will make blogging more interesting since cancer-related issues will persist in my personal and work life.


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