Cancer Guilt

Recently I’ve been getting this awful feeling that people resent me because of my cancer. This feeling is especially hard to stomach because pre-cancer, I was very sure of myself and had infinite confidence. But now, I constantly feel guilty that I have cancer.

I feel like:

My employer/coworkers probably resent me for having cancer because they have to accommodate my treatment schedule and physical (and somewhat mental) incapacity to perform. Yet, they can’t just express their frustration or fire me because ‘mistreating’ a cancer patient isn’t kosher (EEOC lawsuit in the making!!).

My friends probably resent me because I selectively am a wet blanket. Most of the times I have a ton of energy/time/you-name-it, but when I don’t want to do something, I just blame it on the good ol’ cancer to bail on them.

My brother and his wife probably resent me for hogging my parents’ attention.

My parents probably resent me for not being the perfect daughter with that perfect job and perfect health to get me that perfect husband.

My boyfriend probably resents me for putting him through this hell. He’s miserable being with me but he can’t leave because he can’t be that cold-hearted asshole that dumps the cancer chick. While putting up with his sick/dying gf, he’d resent me for causing him to feel depressed, trapped, unmotivated and hopeless.

In reality, all those people probably (and hopefully) don’t hate me. Even if they do feel a tinge of resentment deep inside, it’s probably toward cancer and my misfortune, not toward me. But I hate the fact that I just feel so resented (and a lot of times resentful) for having cancer. The cancer’s really turned a confident young woman into a guilty, insecure mess.

The other day, my boyfriend accused me of putting up a façade and making people believe that my life is all peachy even after two years of battling cancer. I do think that I have a much more positive general outlook on this whole cancer thing, but maybe he is right. Maybe, I’m putting up a front, acting tough and happy because I just don’t want people to resent me for having cancer. It’s like make belief where if I pretend to be ok, maybe people will be tricked into forgetting all about my Cancer and love me again.

Idk. I was having such a good day but something triggered me to feel really upset tonight 😦  I hope I wake up tomorrow morning feeling loved and loving again.

 

 

 

 

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